Sometimes I wish that we hadn’t found out about our infertility so early in our marriage. It created a dark cloud that hung over us, tainting everything; sucking the joy out of life. My husband and I were newly walking in our relationship with God and with each other; we were so unprepared to deal with this blow. Instead of turning to God with our pain and confusion, my husband got angry and I pretended it wasn’t an issue. I was 19 and my husband was 23 so of course every one we knew was having babies, and we were supposed to be happy for them. We were not ready to share our struggle, so we suffered in silence; oohing and ahhing over their newborn miracles while dying inside and crying at home.
Just thinking back to that time now, we were so young! And yet so burdened. Sometimes it was so hard to reconcile a loving God with this fate. Neither one of us knew much truth about God. Fast forward almost seven years and you will find us today, trying our best to trust God and let go of the wheel. We have been holding on so tightly for so long, it is almost heady to let go…God is showing us so much along this journey. He is showing us Himself, who He really is, and He is showing us our life through His eyes. We have learned that just because something seems tragic in the worlds eyes, doesn’t mean God can’t make it into something beautiful. All good things come from Heaven and I know that God is working all things for our good. We are learning that we are “blessed with infertility” (a phrase borrowed from a fellow blogger).
If not for infertility, we would not be the people that we are today. Our marriage would not be as solid as it is, and we would not know God like we do now. The Bible tells us that God knew us before we were born, that He formed us in the womb (Psalms 139); to me, this means that God had our children picked out before we were even born, and we will get those children through embryo adoption. We are honored to give any of those little baby embryos a chance at life!
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